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Have you ever noticed...Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?" - George Carlin

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." - Ellen DeGeneris

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." - Rita Rudner

"I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain." - Carol Leifer

"I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people." - Ed Bluestone

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." - Dave Edison

"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." - A. Whitney Brown

On a tombstone: - "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." - David Dinkins, New York City Mayor

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." - Mayor Marion Berry

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

"I think there is a world market for about 5 computers" - Thomas Watson, 1943 IBM Chairman

"Don't worry, It's not loaded" - Last words of Terry Kath, American rock musician, died in 1978 while playing Russian Roulette.

To Loud Librarians - A Prost. - On a Beer Bottle Cap

Standing out from the crowd is a good way to become both a success and a target. - Unknown

After Albert Einstein had been at Princeton for some months, it was discovered that a twelve-year-old girl happened to stop by the Einstein home almost every afternoon. When her mother asked what her daughter and Einstein had in common that they spent so much time together, Einstein replied "She brings me cookies and I do her arithmetic homework."

OOOPS!

Irreverant Quotes - OOOPS! - Obscure Facts
Bizarre Laws - Silly Stories - Computer Funnies


During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $241 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

In Crown Point, Indiana, police have reopened the case of a man who died from 32 hammer blows to his head. The cause of death had been ruled a suicide, in spite of the County coroner's opinion that a man simply could not remain conscious long enough to hit himself in the head 32 times... 25, 26...wait, how many was that?

Gerard Ropuille of Clermont, France, blew up his house with his washing machine. Ropuille told police that he was trying to remove a grease stain from his shirt when he poured a cup of gasoline in the washer. When the machine changed cycles, a spark ignited the gasoline and blew out the first floor of his home, knocking him unconscious in the process. Said Ropuille, "I feel a bit stupid..."

Police in La Crosse, Wisconsin, arrested a suspect who accosted a woman near an automatic teller machine and menaced her with a knife. The man told police that he wasn't trying to rob her - he only wanted to sell her the knife...

When a British schoolboy was unable to remove a vase that was stuck on his head, he was rushed to the hospital on a city bus. According to reports, in an attempt to make the boy look more normal to the other passengers, his mother placed his school cap on top of the vase...

Francis Karned, a 39-year-old man in Sacramento, California was charged with reckless endangerment after he pulled a gun and shot his lawnmower when it wouldn't start ... and of course, you've heard about those awful chainsaw massacres in Texas...

Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a public service movie in 1983 on "The Dangers of Low-Level Bridges" when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge - killing him.

George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, RI narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for his files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him instantly.

Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down, and found himself in the city prison.

A burglar entered the home of Tom Schimmel in Tawas City, Michigan; collected valuables; fixed himself a bowl of cereal; laid down in Schimmel's bed and fell asleep. When Schimmel returned to his house and discovered the crime, he called police. Officers investigated, completed their reports, and departed. When Schimmel noticed the sleeping burglar several hours later, he summoned the police again. They awakened the man and identified him as the thief.

The eccentric and paranoid American recluse Langley Collier met his untimely end in 1947. While he was bringing food to his equally odd brother Homer, who lived as a total hermit, Langley tripped on a wire to one of his own booby traps and was crushed beneath a suitcase filled with metal, a sewing machine, three bread-boxes, and several bundles of newspapers. Homer starved to death, and their bodies were undiscovered for three weeks.

Ralph Graves entered a doughnut shop with a gun and demanded money from the cashier. A customer recognized him, however, when Graves lifted up a corner of his pillowcase mask to find his way out the door. Graves had forgotten to cut eye-holes.

The company providing the liability insurance for the Republican National Convention in San Diego is the same firm that insured the maiden voyage of the RMS Titanic.

The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.

Obscure Facts

Irreverant Quotes - OOOPS! - Obscure Facts
Bizarre Laws - Silly Stories - Computer Funnies


Despite the fact that no unknown dead existed in the Vietnam war, cemetery planners at Arlington county cemetery went ahead with a tomb to America's unknown dead worth $15,000, "just in case any turn up."

Cows burp a lot, but until recently no one paid much attention. Now researchers at the Texas Department of Highways in Fort Worth are sitting up and taking notice. Each year the cow population of the United States burps some fifty million tons of valuable hydrocarbons into the atmosphere. If they could only be captured and efficiently channeled, say the researchers, the accumulated burps of ten average cows could keep a small house adequately, if indirectly, heated and its stove operating for a year.

Most elephants weigh less than the tongue of the blue whale.

In the United States, a pound of potato chips cost two hundred times more than a pound of potatoes.

A giraffe can go without water longer than a camel can.

Blue whales weigh as much as 30 elephants and are as long as 3 greyhound buses.

Tibetans, Mongolians, and people in parts of western China put salt in the tea instead of sugar.

In 1976 a Los Angeles secretary named Jannene Swift officially married a 50-lb rock. The ceremony was witnessed by more than 20 people.

Ninety percent of all species that have become extinct have been birds.

At any given time, there are 1,800 thunderstorms in progress over the earth's atmosphere.

In Calama, a town in the Atacama Desert of Chile, it has never rained.

In Gulliver's Travels, Jonathan swift described the two moons of mars, Phobos and Deimos, giving their exact size and speeds of rotation. He did this more than 100 years before either moon was discovered.

In eighteenth century English gambling dens, there was an employee whose only job was to swallow the dice if there was a police raid.

During Abraham Lincoln's campaign for the presidency, a dyed-in-the-wool Democrat named Valentine Tapley from Pike County Missouri, swore that he would never shave again if Abe were elected. Tapley kept his work and his chin whiskers went unshorn from November 1860 until he died in 1920, attaining a length of twelve feet six inches.

The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

Bizarre Laws

Irreverant Quotes - OOOPS! - Obscure Facts
Bizarre Laws - Silly Stories - Computer Funnies


In the USA there is a law against sending buildings by mail. A man posted a 40,000 ton brick house across the state of Utah in 1916. Federal law also maintains that no living person can be portrayed on United States paper currency.

Alaska: It is illegal to look at a moose from the window of an aeroplane or other flying vehicle.

Arizona: It is illegal to hunt camels. It is also against the law to kick a mule.

Florida: It is illegal to doze off under a hair dryer.

Georgia: It is against the law to slap an old friend on the back. It is also illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole in Atlanta.

Hawaii: It is illegal to insert a penny in your ear. (Talk about your easy to comply with laws!)

Idaho: It is illegal for a citizen to give another citizen a box of candy larger than 50lbs.

Indiana: It is illegal to carry fishing tackle into a cemetery. And if you're female there's a law stating your dresses may be no more than two inches above the ankle. Of course, a mustache is illegal on anyone who "habitually kisses human beings."

Kansas: The official wording is: "When trains meet at a crossing, both shall come to a full stop and neither shall proceed until the other has gone."

Kentucky: It is illegal to bathe less than once a year. (Oh GOOD!) There's also a law against sleeping in a restaurant.

Louisiana: It is unlawful to whistle on Sunday.

Massachusetts: It is illegal to bathe more than once a week. (Let's hear it for the criminals!)

Michigan: It is illegal to put a skunk in your boss' desk. It's also illegal to hitch your crocodile to a fire hydrant. (There must be some REALLY weird people in Michigan!)

Minnesota: You may not hang male and female underwear next to each other on a clothesline. Of course if you're male there's also a law ordering you to have a beard.

Missouri: It is illegal to play hopscotch on a Sunday.

Montana: It is unlawful to drive a truck or car with ice picks fitted to the wheels. (This is a good thing!)

New Jersey: It is illegal to walk barefoot on the boardwalk. (Careful! They've been known to enforce this one!)

North Carolina: It is against the law to sing out of tune.

Ohio: It is illegal to catch mice without a hunting license. It is also illegal to throw a reptile at someone.

Tennessee: It is illegal for a girl to phone a man for a date. It is also against the law to take a fish of another person's hook.

Vermont: It is illegal to whistle under water.

Virginia: The law requires all bathtubs to be kept out in the yards, not inside the houses.

Silly Stories

Irreverant Quotes - OOOPS! - Obscure Facts
Bizarre Laws - Silly Stories - Computer Funnies




This man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go.
Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord.
Nothing happens.
He tries again....still nothing.
He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord.
Nothing happens.
He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.
Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going UP!
Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver - by this time scared out of his wits - yells,
"Hey! - Do you know anything about skydiving?"
The other guy yells back,
"NO! - Do you know anything about gas stoves?"


NOAH IN MODERN TIMES
And the Lord spoke to Noah & said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water & all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark."
And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for the Ark.
"OK" said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord, "You'd better have My Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.
"Noah!," shouted the Lord, "where is My Ark?"
A lightning bolt crashed to the ground next to Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems."
"First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and Your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system."
"My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the City Planning Commission."
"Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S.Fish and Wildlife that I needed wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls."
"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat and still no owls."
"Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind."
"Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being."
"Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe."
"Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax."
"I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years!"
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has."

A man complained to his friends, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend offered, "Don't do that!!, There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00."
The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
"You have tennis elbow, soak your arm in warm water." "Avoid heavy labor, it will be better in two weeks."
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he squeezed 7 lemons into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The machine again made the usual noises and printed out the following analysis:
"Your tap water is too hard, get a water softener."
"Your dog has worms, give him vitamins."
"Your daughter's on drugs, put her in rehab."
"Your wife's pregnant, it's not yours, get a lawyer."
"And if you don't stop squeezing lemons, your tennis elbow will never get better!"


(This is from the Cameron Column Copyright Bruce Cameron 1997)

Frequently I am asked by my readers to explain the mysteries of child birth. Well, okay, that's actually completely untrue, but since we're on the subject I want to tell you about Lamaze class.
Lamaze is a breathing technique whereby women feel no pain while having an object the size of a small watermelon claw its way out of their bodies. Yes, this is utterly ridiculous, but Lamaze class has apparently become a prerequisite to giving birth: in fact, a woman in East Jordan, Michigan was recently discovered by authorities to have given birth to a baby without first attending Lamaze, and the courts actually made her put it back.
Although pregnancy has been around for at least 100 years, most men don't understand anything about it. It was news to me that pregnancy takes place in three trimesters (Trimester comes from the phrase, "Don't you even TRY, MISTER," uttered by women when men suggest that maybe they can't make it to Lamaze class one night.) The three trimesters are: Vomiting, Weight Gain, and Crying.
The men at Lamaze class are there mainly as punishment for having caused their mates to swell up to the size of Marlan Brando. I mean, realistically, how can we help someone else BREATHE? (More to the point, I can testify truthfully that a woman in labor who is urged to "breathe, honey, breathe" will respond in a tone for which "pleasant" is an antonym.)
The punishment begins with the first lesson, where everybody sits there and is supposed to be quiet while they watch a film of somebody else's baby being born. This is where you learn you shouldn't have eaten before Lamaze class, even if your wife simply HAD to have a Pizza Hut Supreme with Double Cheese or she would pass out from hunger. You give the other guys a "can you believe this?" look, doing your Lamaze breathing so you won't blow pizza. By the end of the movie they ought to usher in a urologist to perform vasectomies; they'd make a couple of grand right on the spot. The final frame depicts everyone standing around looking happy, except maybe the baby who frankly appears more than a little pissed off at how his morning's going.
The night I went, the movie was a horror double feature, with Night of the Living Cesarean Section immediately following Birth of the Pizza Baby. After the movie there is a short break so the men can get together and vow that the only way they're going to make it through this is if they're drunk. Then the group is reassembled to practice breathing, even though we've been breathing all our lives and probably don't need any more practice.
What did pregnant women do before this Lamaze guy came along, hold their breaths for nine months? And why do I have to practice? Heck, I'm so good at breathing I can even do it in my sleep! During all this panting and gasping, the men are told to squeeze their mates' thighs to "simulate labor." Squeeze her let to simulate labor! That's like simulating a concussion by getting a haircut. If you want to simulate labor, you should run her lips through a pencil sharpener. But you don't know this, so you dutifully squeeze while she dutifully breathes. Men who make not of the fact that pregnancy has caused the thighs they are squeezing to maybe require two hands instead of one will be violently torn into small pieces by a bunch of crazed Lamaze women, and no female jury in the world would find anything in this other than justice.
In Lamaze I learned there are several different stages of labor. In none of them do you want your wife to have access to sharp objects. By about the third stage you both know that this breathing thing is a bunch of baloney - labor, it seems, HURTS, and you can pant like a race horse after the Kentucky Derby, but it won't alter the sensation of having a whole human being clamber out of your stomach and into the world.
Often a man will run into a fellow Lamaze class husband at the hospital. It's a brief encounter, usually during a fast break to the men's room between contractions. The wild look they exchange says it all: this is nothing like what they expected.
And after that, nothing ever is.